An Unusual Predicament
by pyrebi
Summary: When Lily starts to believe Remus might just be a bit...different, Sirius takes that as his signal to raise a bit of havoc. This'll be the best Christmas hols ever!
1. In Which Lily Has A Stupid Idea

**Some small changes have been made to chapter one to improve flow/storyline problems. **Nothing major, just the year and stuff.

Pre-A/N: Okay, I find this fic a little embarrassing. I'm not sure where it came from, it just kinda...came out...while I was working on _The Origins of Snuffles_. Even though it's really weird and random, I hope you enjoy.

A/N: I find myself writing another Remus-centric fic. (sweatdrop) But this one also features Lily! I decide to have fun with Remmy's lycanthropy in this one, and the vaguely feminine nature he had as a teen, according to a lot of writers. w00t!

Remember, this isn't supposed to be a reasonable fic; in fact, it's quite silly all the way through. I'm sure none of the characters would ever do the things I've laid out for them! **So there's major OOCness! **And beware, one of my OCs from _tOoS_ returns. I needed an extra...I tried not to make her annoying... (bows in shame) Forgive me, Readers, for I have sinned!

--

Christmas was fast approaching, and the Gryffindor common room was, for the most part, filled with festive spirit. Large red, gold, and ivory baubles and velvet streamers had been hung from every available surface. As a rule of thumb and Gryffindor pride, the only green in the entire room was the enormous Christmas tree in the corner, but even that had been almost totally covered in red and gold decorations.

Sixth years James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were sitting at a table in the corner, working on their end-of-term Transfiguration papers. It was from this corner that the only disruption in the bright, happy mood emanated. Remus held a melancholy aura of pain around him so strongly that one could almost see the little grey storm cloud hovering above his drooping head.

For a (supposedly) healthy sixteen-year-old boy, Remus's cheeks were rather sunken in, and his form was extremely thin. A stitch in his brow spoke of constant discomfort. Earlier that day, Sirius had even pulled a shockingly white hair out of the fair-haired boy's longish bangs. As he scribbled on his increasingly long parchment, he sighed occasionally. The full moon was only two days away.

Other students had noticed the strange sensation stemming from Remus, and were avoiding that table like the plague. Only one person dared to approach: Lily Evans. She had just come from the library, unable to find the book she needed for her Charms homework, and had spotted it sitting, apparently abandoned, on that table between Sirius and Peter. She started over to the table to ask to borrow it.

Not noticing the approaching girl, Peter had scrunched up his face in annoyance. The spelling of a certain word eluded him, and he was irritated. Scooting his scroll of parchment over to Remus, he asked, "Hey, Moon--?"

"What?" the werewolf snapped sharply.

Peter looked taken aback. James just waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it, Wormtail. He's just PMSing, that's all."

Sirius grinned. "Oh, yeah, it's almost his 'time of the month,' isn't it? Sorry, mate, he must've forgotten."

Remus merely gave a disgruntled sigh and pushed his hair away from his face, muttering, "How many times have I asked you guys not to joke about it in public?"

Here it is imperative that we make a break in the story to clear a few things up. Now, to the Marauders, who were simply a bunch of teenage boys with a few huge secrets, "PMS" meant "Pre-Moon Snappishness" and "time of the month" merely referred to Remus's transformation under the full moon, though James and Sirius loved to torment Remus with the terms. To Lily Evans, who had stopped in her tracks close enough to hear this conversation, it sounded like one of her 'male' classmates wasn't exactly 'he' was said 'he' was.

Deciding it was just the boys being idiots again, Lily approached the table and asked for the book, which she got for nothing more than a wink from Sirius, a tired glance from Remus, a titter from Peter, and a date proposal from James. Deciding to ignore all of these things besides the proposal, for which James was rewarded by a sharp kick to the shin, Lily retreated to a seat by the fire to read.

--

Later that night, though, as she lay awake in bed, Lily couldn't help but think of that odd conversation. Now that she thought about it, Remus did always seem different for a few days each month, but surely that didn't mean...? Deciding she'd look into it further in the morning, Lily drifted off into sleep.

The dream she had that night was very odd.

_James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter standing on a table in short, glittery dresses, kicking up their legs in a cancan. Having decided it was her duty as a prefect to put a stop to such foolishness, Lily approached the foursome, ready to tell them off._

"_What're you doing!" Lily said, shoving her way through the crowds surrounding the table._

"_It's all right, Evans!" Peter called._

"_Yes, we're girls, so what does it matter?" Remus added._

_Upon further deliberation, Lily suddenly remembered that the four up on the table were indeed girls, and so climbed up on the table and started doing the cancan with them._

Waking up in the morning with a splitting headache, Lily mentally chided herself for such a silly, unrealistic dream. As if she'd allow herself to go dancing on tables with Potter and his little friends! She'd have to stop eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans before bed.

--

That day she was so busy with schoolwork that she couldn't keep an eye on Remus. That evening, however, she went up to the fifth year boys' dorm room under the pretense of returning the book she'd borrowed, even though she could have returned it to Peter, who was sitting by the fire in the common room. The door was cracked open, so she poked her head in. Remus sat alone on his bed, staring out the window. His face was lit by the nearly full moon, and he was looking rather melancholy. To Lily, it was one of the saddest things she'd ever seen.

Coughing slightly, Lily watched as Remus whipped around, rubbing his face quickly, trying to snap out of the daze he had been in. Lily extended her hand, offering the book.

"Here, I brought this back."

Remus moved painfully off of the bed, smiling faintly as he took the book. "Thank you."

The redhead noted the soft quality of his voice, the shape of his hands. Could he really be...? Shaking her head slightly to clear it, she nodded a welcome, then turned to leave. As she walked down the stair back to the common room, she heard Remus's soft laughter. Mood swings?

Back up in the dorm room, the source of Remus's laughter was apparent: the heads of James and Sirius had just appeared floating over five feet in the air. The dark-haired boys, who had been hiding under James's Invisibility Cloak the whole time, grinned wickedly.

"D'you think she knew we were here?" Sirius asked.

"No," Remus replied, chuckling.

"Good thing. She'd probably've tried to stop us from sneaking down to the kitchen," James added, before the two heads disappeared again. "So long, Moony."

"Bring me back some chicken," Remus called softly as the door appeared to shut on its own. Then, with the thought of whole roasted chickens, rare steaks, and delicious fuzzy bunnies on his mind, he went back to his bed and continued to stare at the moon.

--

During breakfast the next day, Lily kept her eyes on Remus. Though she was too far down the table to hear what was said, she noted that the fair-haired student refused the porridge Black offered him, instead wolfing down what must have been four pounds of sausages and bacon and three large chocolate bars that he produced from inside his robes.

Here again we must pause to distinguish between fact and imagination. To Remus and his friends, these were his normal pre-moon eating habits. A large desire for meat overtook him, and the chocolate was consumed for the endorphins, which helped to defer the discomfort he felt. To Lily, this looked something like the erratic eating habits some women have when going through their period.

During the rest of the day, Lily kept a close eye on the boy. She noted how he occasionally clamped his arms around his abdomen, his face taking on a grey pallor. _Cramps_, Lily thought, with a twinge of pity. In reality, his condition often made Remus feel rather nauseous, and he curled up that way in an effort not to vomit all over his textbooks or the adolescent Blood-Fruited Dwarf Peach trees he was repotting.

--

That night, as Lily sat in her bed, she reflected upon all of the strange mannerisms she had observed that day. She grimaced; certainly Remus Lupin couldn't be a _girl_. That would be silly! Why masquerade as a male student?

Three of the girls in Lily's dorm had already gone home for Christmas; only Lily herself and Erin O'Riordan were left. Licking her lips nervously, the redhead whispered, "Hey, Erin!"

The other girl's heavy Irish accent, compounded upon by the grogginess of sleep, made Erin's reply of "what?" nearly unintelligible.

"_Erin_!" Lily hissed.

"Wha?" Erin asked, turning over on her bed. "It's one a.m., Lily! What do you want?"

Lily's bright green eyes shone in the light of the full moon. "I think Lupin's a girl."

Erin sat up suddenly, her frizzy blonde flying. "You _what_?"

Lily explained what she'd seen over the past few days. "In short," she concluded, "he's acting just like _you_ do five days a month."

Erin wrinkled her nose as that remark, but added, "You know, now that I've thought about it, I've never any proof that he's actually a guy. Of course his robes are really loose, but he also wears baggy clothing on Hogsmeade trips and on the train."

Lily gasped. "So he could, theoretically, be taping down his chest!"

"Don't you think you should be saying 'she' and 'her'?" Erin giggled, hands clamped over her mouth.

And so, as two teenage girls elaborated upon their theories about one Remus Lupin's gender, a wolf, a rat, a dog, and a stag leapt playfully below their windows.

--

End of chapter one!

**Next chapter:** James and Peter go home, Sirius gets an absolutely wicked idea, and Remus suffers because of it.

Thanks for suffering through this, guys! If you thought it needed improvement, could you tell me how? Thanks a lot!


	2. In Which Sirius Fans the Flames

Ah, chapter two...how devious. It's over 2000 words, so I'll keep the author's notes short. Enjoy the read, if this is the sort of thing you're into.

* * *

"You sure you want to stay at the school over holiday, Sirius?" James asked, flicking his wand. The enchanted trunk rose into the air and began making its way out of the dormitory. 

The other teen sighed and stretched out on his bed, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah. I've no intention of going back to my mum any more than necessary. It's worth it just to stay here."

James shrugged. "You know you could come to my house. My parents love you. Sometimes I think they'd prefer it if _you_ were their son," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Nah. Your folks are great and all, but I figure they'll get sick of me if they see me too often." Sirius chuckled.

Peter, who was busy hastily shoving his wrinkled clothes into his trunk, looked up and said dryly, "You're just afraid they'll realize you're actually not the good, sweet boy you purport to be."

Grinning wickedly, Sirius sat up and winked. "Well, anyway, one of us needs to stay here with our furry little friend and makes sure he doesn't become to bogged down in angst. Right, Remmy?"

Remus, who had been sitting quietly on his bed and reading, shot Sirius a dirty look.

James looked at the other boy in surprise. "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten you're staying, too. Why?"

The exhausted teen grimaced. "My parents went on a two-month holiday to Spain, that's why. I wasn't invited to join them for Christmas."

The other three cringed. It seemed like Lupin's parents were always doing that. Last summer they'd gone on an Asian excursion, leaving their only son to fend for himself at home for two and a half months. (The food ran short rather quickly, and it wasn't until his parents returned the day before school started that they showed him the note with money for groceries in it pinned to the inside of his mother's bureau "for safe keeping." Remus had told the others he thought they'd _wanted_ him to starve. "Maybe they thought it'd be better if I was weak from hunger come the full moon," he had said reproachfully. "Why on earth would they think I'd look in Mum's underwear drawer any way?"At any rate, he'd turned up at James's house at the beginning of August, thin as a wraith and hungrier than his werewolf self. Mrs. Potter of course overfed him back into a normal weight bracket, and that was that.) Rumor was that they were going to America this summer, again without their dear boy.

"Your parents suck," James stated bluntly. "You should both come to my house for holidays. There'll be puddings and eggnog," he cajoled.

"Too late now, Potter," Sirius said dismissively. "You should've invited us two weeks ago before they sent around the sign-up sheet for staying here." Remus sighed and agreed.

And so the two waved from the train station as the Hogwarts Express pulled away in a puff of steam, carrying with it half of their band of four. The rest of the day passed rather quietly, except for the infamous Christmas Dungbomb Fiasco of '73 (but that's another story for another day) and the boys' constant stalking by one Lily Evans.

Lily and her room mate had spent the better part of the night discussing theories and observations about Remus, and somehow, after discussing it at length, the possibility that he could be a girl in disguise seemed far more legitimate. Funny how sharing an idea with someone else has that effect... So Lily, upon learning that Lupin was spending the holidays at Hogwarts, decided that she would use this golden opportunity to covertly watch him--er, her.

Now, while our female protagonist with the flawed reasoning _thought_ she was being sneaky, in actuality Sirius had noticed that she was constantly staring their way. Finding this extremely odd for the normally cold (towards "Potter and his little firends," at least) girl, the black-haired teen took the opportunity to call her on it when he caught her staring after Remus as he went out to the Owlery to send a letter off to his parents.

"Oy, Evans! Does he owe you money or something?" he called cheekily, pleased with the way she jumped in surprise.

The common room was nearly deserted because of the holiday, but Sirius moved close to Lily anyway. He had found that his charm (or intimidation tactics) worked far better at close range. Grinning easily, he said, "I've noticed you watching us since James and Peter left this morning. Why? Thinking about cheating on Potter while he's away?"

Lily stiffened irritably. "It's not possible for me to cheat on him, Black, because we're not in a relationship."

A look of feigned confusion flitted across the boy's face. "Really? To hear him talk, you'd think you two had been having a torrid love affair since first year." He smirked as he noticed the way Evans's face reddened and her lips puckered. "But really now, why do you keep mooning after our dear Moony?"

Though a virtual genius at Charms and a favorite intellectual of the teachers, for those first crucial seconds Lily's mind went blank. She obviously couldn't tell him about her theory; he'd make her the laughing stock of the school. But what other alternative was there? _"I like him"_? Ha! That would never fly... Suddenly an idea hit her.

"I have one of his books that I need to return. That book for Charms," she said with as much confidence as she could muster.

"Liar."

Lily's composition crumbled. "Prove it!" she snapped.

Sirius grinned. "Firstly, you took too long to respond. You need to learn to lie quickly. You're obviously as much a goodygood as they say you are, Evans," he snickered. "Secondly, I know you already gave that book back. You went up to our dorm two nights ago to return it."

Crestfallen, Lily muttered, "How did you know when I returned it?"

"Remus told me," Sirius responded coolly. He didn't mention that he and James had been hiding under an Invisibility Cloak the entire time.

Lily grumbled under her breath. She wasn't exactly used to being trumped so completely.

"Now, the real question is, why would you lie?" Sirius asked, giving her an appraising eye. "Do you perhaps like our dear Lupin? Or is there something more sinister going on in that little red head of yours?" he grinned, leading her to one of the couches for further interrogation. Sitting her down, he moved directly in front of her, smiling down from his far superior heigth. "So?"

At this point, Lily was so unnerved (never before had the full of Sirius's legendary charms been turned upon her) that she decided to bite the bullet and start asking her interrogator some questions of her own. "Have you ever noticed anything strange about Lupin? You know, something...different? You might know, you're one of the closest to him."

"Different?" Now it was the time for a look of real confusion to take its place on the handsome teen's face.

Lily swallowed at this reaction. Had she been wrong? That definitely seemed most likely now... Chiding herself mentally for being so foolish, she said, "Never mind, it's nothing."

Sirius meanwhile was starting to panic. What if she had somehow found out about Remus's lycanthropy? His condition was the best-kept secret the Marauders had; if it got out, and enough parents complained about the danger of having a werewolf attending school with their children, Remus could even be forced to leave Hogwarts. Thus, it was understandable urgency and aggression that he asked, "What kind of _different?_"

A bit shocked, the girl stammered, "Um, he's a bit...well, he seems a little...er, feminine?" Noting the confused look again becoming prominent on Sirius's face, she continued, "He acts kinda funny once or so a month, and I started noticing, and I just wondered maybe...um...you know how girls get monthly problems, Aunt Flow and all that..." She was rambling now, but at least he was getting the gist of what she was saying.

"Wait, wait," Sirius said, holding upone hand and pinching the bridge of his nose with the other. "Am I right in assuming you think Remus might be a..._girl?_"

"Umm..." Lily's eyes darted around, looking for a way to escape this uncomfortable situation.

Sirius chuckled quietly and plopped down next to her on the couch, relief flowing through him. He covered his face with his hands and began to laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing. Then, an absolutely wicked struck him.

The redhead, meanwhile, was feeling slightly insulted. "Why are you laughing like that?"

"You're just the first one to ever figure it out," Sirius said, fighting off the smile that would ruin this fun new lie.

"Well, you shouldn't laugh at oth--what? I'm right?" Lily gasped.

Sirius leaned back on the couch and looked up at the many streamer tacked along the ceiling. "Yeah. His parents always wanted a boy, you see. But what they got was a precious baby girl instead. They couldn't have any more children, so they did the next best thing: they started dressing their daughter up in boy's clothes, gave her a boy's name, always refered to her as their son." Wow, he was _liking_ where this was going. "Eventually she got used to it. Then they enrolled their "son" Remus here at Hogwarts. Nobody realized that the Lupin kid wasn't what "he" seemed."

Lily listened, mouth agape. "That's _terrible, _doing that to their daughter!"

Sirius was still battling that rising smile. "Yeah. But now Remus is really sensitive about it; wants to please the parents and all that. Demands we only refer to him using masculine terms, and he never admits that he's really a girl."

Brows knitting, Lily queried, "But how do you know if he's so careful to hide it?"

He threw her a quick sidelong look. "You find out stuff like that when you're dorm mates with someone. We soon started noticing how he always went to bathe when no one else was around, how he wouldn't go swimming with us, how his clothes were always so loose-fitting, his reluctance to wrestle, fight, or play any games that would bring someone in contact with his own body." (This part too was a total fabrication, since Sirius remembered all too well how Remus had very nearly killed him last summer in James's pondwhile they were playing the "Let's See How Long We Can Hold Each Other Underwater BeforeOur VictimHas To Cry Mercy Game." Remus's defense was that he hadn't known Sirius flailing his arms like mad while his head was being held underwater had meant "mercy," since no actual words had left the black-haired boy's mouth. Sirius of course pinned the entire incident on Remus's oft-denied passive-agressive tendencies.)

"I see..." Lily mused.

"But James and I followed him one time when he went to go bathe. I guess he didn't know we were there, because...well...he took his clothes off, and we knew _exactly_ why he wouldn't go swimming with us."

Lily blushed for moment but quickly regained her composure. "So when did you find out?"

Sirius sighed audibly."Around the end of first year. Ever since then, we've been keeping his secret sacred until someone else realizes what's going on."

"Which I did." Lily murmured. "But poor Lupin! Imagine having to pretend to be a different gender your entire life...and living in a boys' dormitory! It must be very hard..."

Sirius sat up and turned to her, his eyes sparkling in earnestness. "It _is_ hard, and not just for him. James, Peter, and I all know, and sometimes it gets really difficult knowing that this girl is sleeping one bed over from you." Sirius supressed a chuckle; he wondered how she would take this part. It could have several connontations... "At first we thought of him kinda like a sister...but things happen."

To his pleasure, she blushed hotly. _That_ would help fuel the rumors, he thought wickedly. After all, he could deny this whole thing later; due to his popularity, of course, the masses would believe him. But for now, he liked how this little scheme was going. It would certainly liven up the holidays a bit. And to think it had just been handed to him, juicy and ripe for the embellishing. He allowed himself a quick self-satisfied smirk.

He could hear the Fat Lady accepting the password, so he turned to Lily and whispered urgently, "But remember, he's really sensitive about it! Don't let him know that you know!" She nodded.

Remus was just entering through the door when Sirius held a finger to his lips and Lily was standing and walking away from the couch. The redhead shot Remus a very significant look before retreating to the girls' dormitory wing.

Blinking in confusion, the newcomer walked over to the sitting Sirius. "What was that all about?" he asked, half-suspiciously.

The handsome teen stood and stretched before nonchalantly dismissing Remus's question with a wave of his hand. "I owe her some money."

* * *

All done for the chapter. Bum-bum-_bum_! The stage is set for some very interesting things, I do believe. (grins evilly) This is so much fun to write. Although I do feel bad for making Remus's parents a little mean...I do like the Lupins, it's just that this persona worked better for this fic. 

Next time: The telegraph was fast, the telephone was accurate, but nothing trumps tell-a-woman if you want word to get out. Our poor little werewolf buddy...

**Random factoid!** My favorite punctuation marks are the semicolon (;) and the ellipsis (...). You'll see them used a lot.


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